Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
