The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
