good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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