The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
