I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
