After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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