We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
