you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
