i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
