Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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