Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
