What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
