It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
