i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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