im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
