I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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