Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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