Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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