No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
