Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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