Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Randomize
