I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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