Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
