Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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