Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well I just put wine in my tea
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
