Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
