i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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