I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
