guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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