I haven't been this sober since birth.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Enjoy the penises
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
