I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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