Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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