btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
