Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
