My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
