dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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