He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
