Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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