Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
