Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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