my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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