how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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