I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I died a long time ago.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
