life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
