His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
