saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
