on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
