1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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