Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
