She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
