In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
