I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
