I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
