apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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