Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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